Inertia
by headtrip parade
Summary: Rayna struggles with her secret as Deacon meets Maddie for the first time. Flashback fic.


She had not expected his phone call.

She had met with Coleman and he told her about Deacon's reaction to her rash, embarrassingly obvious shotgun wedding. She was told he struggled. There were tons of tears. He yelled a lot, wrote a lot, and had more than a few extra sessions with his counseling team.

She wept.

She couldn't begin to fathom the pain she was putting him through when he was so fragile. There is no way he could understand why she had given up on him so quickly and easily. All she could think of was how utterly fucking broken he must feel.

She was surprised when, through his brokenness, her phone rang and he was on the other side. She had figured he would never speak to her again, but just per usual, there he was.

He had wanted to meet her, he said. He was finished with rehab, he was clean, and he just needed to look at her.

She asked him if he thought it was a good idea. Things were so different now. She had married another man and had a baby. She told him that maybe seeing each other in such a different capacity wouldn't be healthy for him, but in her selfish reality, she couldn't think if anything she wanted more.

She hadn't noticed that it had started raining until she started looking out the window every 30 seconds to check for that ever-familiar silver Suburban.

Her stomach was in knots. She had not seen him since the day she went to tell him she was pregnant, all while Tandy was trying to talk her down.

She felt guilty, even still. Every time her daughter cried, smiled, or even sneezed, she felt it. Was she doing the right thing by not even giving him a chance? Was all of this really to protect her daughter, or was she simply buying into and agreeing to the same self-serving grandiose political conspiracies her family and those around her had always implemented?

She had seen tricks pulled. She had seen so many people hurt and so many lives destroyed for the supposed betterment of her people. She had worked tirelessly to not be part of that toxicity and at the end of this day, here she stood... lying to the one man she truly, hopelessly, deeply loves about the child they recreated.

Hearing a car door slam, she gazed out the window and watched him run through the rain. He looked as if he was running right for her. He was beautiful and he was healthy. She could tell in every quick stride he took towards her porch.

She opened the door. She wanted to run to him and engulf him in kisses just as she had done three of the last four times he went in for treatment. She wanted to run her fingers through his hair and whisper how glad she was that he was home and how they were going to start fresh. Again.

Nevertheless, she couldn't.

"Hey," she smiled.

He grinned weakly, reaching to wrap his arms around her.

She closed her eyes and breathed in his scent. It was clean; fresh... so much like the starts he always told her they were making. She was so used to the stale whiskey on his breath and the hangover in his sweat.

"You look beautiful."

He pulled away from her gingerly, taking in every inch of her as if he hadn't seen her in decades. She knew he meant those words with every fiber that made him.

"I've got about ten pounds left to go," she smirked, but in that instant felt she had to look away from his gaze. She felt guilty knowing he found her to be just as stunning when she was shedding the baby weight he presumed to be from another man. How would he feel to know that it was because of his child?

"Where's Teddy?"

He asked with genuine curiosity, she noted. It wasn't the question of a man who had certain intentions and in a way, this upset her.

"He's in Knoxville for a seminar," she knew the response she wanted him to have. She wanted him to pick her up and carry her upstairs, but she knew he wouldn't. Not now, since she had taken a vow. "But there is someone else inside I want you to meet, if you want to."

He flinched a little, but she could in his eyes that through his fear, he wanted to.

She nodded and held the door open for him.

As they walked into the living room, fear suddenly took her over and she nearly went weak in the knees. What if the moment he lays eyes on her, he knows? What if, somehow, he manages to remember that night and does the math? He's not a stupid man, she thought to herself.

She tried to calm herself by asking what the harm would really be if he did figure it out in that instant. He would surely understand why she didn't tell him at the beginning, right? And he's sober right now. What if his daughter is exactly what he needs to keep him on the straight and narrow?

In that moment, she forgot all the agreements and conspiracies and desired for him to look at this baby and know. Selfishly, it would be a great weight lifted from her shoulders. For him, it could save his life.

Or it could break it.

She took the infant from her swing and spoke softly to her as she cradled her. He approached slowly, almost fearfully, all the while a smile growing on his face.

"You're a natural."

She smiled at him sadly, knowing what he was thinking. He was angry and sad. He longed. This was the life they were supposed to have. She opened her mouth so many times to say the words, but she could not bring herself to do it. She wasn't sure what that meant.

"Can I hold her?"

She paused for a beat, knowing this moment had to come. She wanted it to come, but she was also scared to death of what it would mean. Would she be able to handle it? Would she be able to handle the inertia that came with her deception?

"Of course,"

She handed the baby to him slowly, though to her surprise she did it with such ease and no panic as she had done with everyone else. If anyone wanted to hold her, it was like pins and needles to make sure they were holding her correctly and weren't going to drop or break her.

She passed her off to him so effortlessly.

"This is Maddie."

"Maddie..." he trailed off, gently stroking her cheek while she lifted her small arms and reached for his face. "She's gorgeous, Ray. She looks just like you."

He looked up at Rayna and smiled. It was the most genuine smile she had seen from him in years.

A tear slid down her cheek as she saw in his face, his eyes, his stature... that everything was different. He was really clean this time. For good, she thought. She believed it. She knew it.

Knowing this and watching him with their daughter was almost too much to handle. She damned herself for ever being bullied into denying him this, but simultaneously didn't feel like she had the strength to gather up Maddie and leave with him right then.

In her heart, she knew the right thing to do, but the surface was still too messy and he was still too fragile.

She smiled and wiped another tear.

The situation certainly seemed like a train wreck, but she knew that their daughter was in no way a mistake. She was the sweetest gift from such a tremendous love that it literally consumed the both of them and sent them to dark depths they were unable to climb out of.

She wasn't the product of some quick, sloppy incident, but one the gentlest, most passionate times Rayna can ever remember having. The aftermath was brutal, but the memories of that night kept her strong and gave her hope.

She only wished he had the same memories.


End file.
